My Personal Thoughts

Looks like we are gonna pull this off. Bad orange man bad was a great running platform. The media on my side … it was brilliant. Russia Russia Russia and Impeach Impeach Impeach gave us a big lead in the house in 2018. The media is great at driving home a point – any point – even if it’s not true.

We are still working to steal the senate. I think it’s likely we can still pull that off. Few more ballots here and there.

Close electoral college situation. Up 19k votes in Arizona with 10 percent of the votes not counted. Up 10k votes in Georgia. Let’s than a 1 percent victory in many states. Some states headed to recounts. And Nevada using sloths to count their votes seems strange.

Anyway, the media called the victor. I’ll heal the nation. Need to nap first.

Come on, man.

Looks like it comes down to Nevada.

Oh, sure. We could probably dig up another million votes in a Pennsylvania. Or some other states. But, to minimize the chatter about “cheating” it would help to just win Nevada. I’m up, even though the rural vote still needs to come in and those yee haws like Trump.

Capitalism is killing us. A state that thrives on greed, avarice, and tit bars is going to be the difference in the election. At least that’s what they are telling me. Come on Silver State. I can’t believe I’m going to be the Senator of the US!

Pennsylvania found a way to minimize votes for Trump. Just don’t let anyone watch the vote counting. No observers. Big trash cans marked with “place valid Trump votes here for counting”. Great job PA!

Come on, Nevada. How long does it take to count votes anyway. China wants an answer on who will be President. Don’t let them down.

Come on, man.

My staff talks a lot in front of me like I’m not in the room. Or, as if I’m not listening or don’t matter or would have nothing to add to the conversation.

“You know I’m right here, right!?”

That’s what I want to say. But, in all fairness, I’m usually not paying attention, may be napping, or I really have nothing to add.

Today, they were talking nervously and loudly. The polls show us ahead everywhere. But, it just doesn’t feel like I’m ahead out in the real world to them, I guess.

Some of their random thoughts today…. There are more people in line for the bathroom at a Trump event than the number of people that bother to come out to see us… Joe just keeps yelling. And sometimes incoherently….More Trump supporters are showing up at Biden rallies than Biden supporters…. Most of the swing states are within the margin or error…. Florida is not looking good for Biden…. Who’s dumb idea was it to send Kamala to Texas?…. Obama doesn’t look great on the attack – what happened to “when they go low, we go high.”…..I want to strangle Hunter…. I’m going to have some serious soul searching to do when this shit show comes to an end….When we are in office, first thing we should do is ban horns. This shit sucks.

I listened a little. But, the polls have me winning. I am already planning my inauguration speech. Where I say…. well, let’s figure that out later. Something about shutting down, be patriotic and starve in your homes…?

Come on, man.

Three days.

My staff is full of negative nellies. They are now telling me that crazy Uncle Joe is fine, gaffe-filled Joe is fine, sleepy Joe is fine, confused Joe is fine…. but angry, mean Uncle Joe? Not good.

My speeches are now just me yelling. Loudly. Angrily. And calling Trump voters “chumps” and telling people I’m not crooked, I’m not going to stop fracking, I’m not a socialist, and I’m not going to raise taxes (which is true for a few people, maybe).

Not really much of a positive message going into the final days. The days of me saying, “I am running as a proud Democrat but I would be the President for all of America and bring back decency” – those days are over. I’m just angry. I still say those words. But, I just don’t say them like I mean them.

My speeches are pretty boring. I don’t write the speeches. I just read them. So, putting some energy into them seemed good. Not to these critical staffers! They tell me that I sound bitter, old, useless, mean, spiteful, angry, irritable, potentially deranged, uptight, resentful… and even went so far as to say that young people find me slightly repulsive. None of that sounds good.

I did snap a bit and told one of them they were just fat and ugly and needed to dress less like a loser. That scattered the little buggers.

Three days. The basement at the White House has got to be nice. Eye on the prize.

Come on, man.

So, one cool staffer showed me an Epic Rap Battle on YouTube between me and Trump. Really great.

My first thought, which I said out loud, was, “I don’t remember doing that.”

“It’s an impersonator, Mr. Joe,” said the staffer with an emphasis on impersonator and then a few minute explanation of what an impersonator was, what YouTube was, and that Trump is the current President and this is a parody, and also an explanation of parody. Like I’m dumb. But, yes, some of that was helpful.

They have me actually leaving my house now and going to places like Minnesota. I repeat. Minnesota. This is some kind of cruel and inhumane punishment.

And the rap battle? I wish I had the energy that impersonator had. And his hair. And some of the epic blows. Trump, on the other hand, he was just mean. I would love to take him behind the gym and beat the crap out of him.

White House soon. Eye on the prize.

Come on, man.

Sports analogies. Sometimes you have to call an audible. And sometimes the audible works. Sometimes it is a little messy.

After being given our plans, after calling a lid, after after getting every indication I could take the week off – “Joe, we can’t have you out there anymore” – they changed the play and called an audible.

They pushed me to PA where I tried to answer a question. The answer turned out to be “here’s the deal” three times in a row. I forgot the question. But, then got saved by a staffer who said, “we need to move on.” I called the person in the White House “George” twice. Jill took over the campaign stop speaking role while I shuffled back and forth on the stage. Little messy.

As far as I know now, I’m going to Wisconsin, Arizona and maybe something else. Kamala going to Texas, which seems like a waste. But I don’t want to be mean…

And, “can I change my vote” is a leading Google search. Up 500 percent in some cases.

My message: prepare for what may be the darkest winter of your lifetime. This is my campaign message. That’s gotta be a winner.

Come on, man.

The “Prevent Defense” has been one way some football teams have played when they get a lead…. With a big lead, just run out the clock – be careful not to fumble, let the other team get small runs and receptions…. when on offense, concentrate on not turning the ball over, don’t worry about scoring more. Just run out the clock.

I’m so far ahead in the polls, I am back in the basement for the next 8 days. Playing the odds. Better than me going out and maybe having to answer a tough question. No fumbles at the end of the game… but is this a winning strategy?

Warren Sapp tweeted after the Texans lost to the Saints last year, “Prevent D only prevents you from winning.”

Trump is campaigning in four states today. Someone jokingly tweeted that I was in three states today: unconscious, semi-conscious, and confused. Politics are a rough game.

Back in the basement. Good times. Warren Sapp may think he knows something about sports, but he can’t have any idea about politics and the “prevent defense” definitely will be a winning strategy for me. Fingers crossed anyway.

Come on, man.

We have election fatigue.

As a country, we have election fatigue, political fatigue in general, Portland fatigue, Coronavirus news fatigue, BLM fatigue, elitists telling us what we should think fatigue, celebrities telling is what we should think fatigue, mask fatigue, athletes telling us what to think, Chelsea Handler and Alyssa Milano in particular fatigue… I personally have basement fatigue. I think I would look good in military fatigues. And aviator glasses. That would be cool for Election Day. I’ll ask my handlers.

I’m angry. I asked for a large countdown clock for Election Day. Right now it would show something like 10 days, 13 hours 35 minutes and 12 seconds. Or 9 days plus that or something like that. And I could watch it count down. No one will get me one.

They sell on Amazon for like $50. “We don’t have the money for that, Joe.” Malarky. Offer that Amazon guy a place in my cabinet, I say! He’ll send the best one he has. Easy Peasy.

It’s like no one understands the art of how to use your office for your own good. A $50 clock for Christ’s sake. If I knew how to order online, I’d do it myself.

I personally am planning to end all oil and gas and fracking and that sort of thing. After all, we shouldn’t have companies in America making money on gas and fuel production. The workers I put out of work? Their families? They can get jobs selling insurance or something. I know, a lot of people think it’s great to be energy independent. And people will say it’s a little ironic that my son made millions (and millions) being on the board of an oil company or otherwise using my name and connections. But Americans actually working in the industry will not be able to feed their families …. little sad, but necessary, I think. Again, they can sell insurance. Or go to school to be tax attorneys. We still need a lot of those so we can help the rich and connected, my friends and family, and large corporations find loopholes and schemes to avoid paying taxes.

Does Hunter’s career shed light on the decay of American democracy and the vast social gulf that has opened up between the ruling elite and the vast majority of the population, struggling to survive from paycheck to paycheck, and, as a recent survey found, unable to afford paying an unexpected bill of $400? Who knows?

Its a good thing everyone also has Hunter fatigue.

Vegas odds are getting tighter. Could I still lose? No way, just look at the polls and listen to Alyssa Milano who says, “you can’t love Trump and love America” so I’m sure people will vote for me. Right? Was she on my fatigued of her “shit” list? Hard to keep track. Campaigning is really draining. Nap time.

Come on, man.

BLM. Biden’s Laptop Matters.

That’s just not right. Racist, I think.

Debate tonight. I “rested” for four days while I was spoon fed answers. I’m ready.

I think some of my team is near the end of their rope. Hanging by a thread. Even Jill. It’s not easy to be locked up for months on end. With me. Asking the same question over and over again.

There is always someone mulling around. Always a staffer or a secret service person around, or calling or yapping.

Jill said this morning, “I’ll be glad this is over, I would love to just be alone for a little while.” To which, some snippy staffer said, “if you want to be alone, you should show up at one of our rallies. They are like ghost towns. If we even bother to do anymore, that is. We could just stay in the basement forever.”

Great idea.

Come on, man.

Influence peddling? Unusual pictures of young girls? Drip. Drip. Drip. Where’s Hunter?

Once again, the FBI could play a big role in who wins and who loses. Clinton emails. Biden emails. FBI involved. Just seems a little deja vu ish.

Crooked Clinton. Corrupt Biden. I can barely think of Hillary without saying Crooked Hillary. Trump got that to stick. Can the corruption-type nicknames stick to me? I have the incredible smile. $1 million dollars from China for “the Big Guy” may not influence voters as much as “bleach bit” on the hard drives. I mean, who knows, really? But, I look great in aviators. So I think it should be ok.

I’m back in the basement. My winning strategy. But also a little deja vu ish? Like Hillary? She didn’t travel to battleground states and limited her interactions at the end of the election cycle. Me? I have the cover of “can’t travel because of Covid” that she didn’t have. But will that matter?

People smarter than me are picking this strategy. I’m pretty sure I will still win. More than 37 million people have already voted. Fingers crossed…

Come on, man.